Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
