Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize
