my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
