If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
