i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
