so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
