so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
