Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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