the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
