your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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