Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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