How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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