Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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