For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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