so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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