Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
