i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry about my life...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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