If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
