Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
