I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
