I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
