Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
