I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
