I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Let's get the cat blown out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
