You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
