I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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