so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
