Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
birth control should be required to get into college
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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