its not stalking. its research.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
