I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
