Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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