I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
