WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
