I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
