if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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