I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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