I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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