after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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