I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
