my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
