I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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