He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
