remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
