i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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