I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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