Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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