I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
