Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there's paper in my vomit.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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