Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
