i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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