I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
